Here, a start anew; bring everything together.

poetry, rants, dedications, news, updates, pics, etc. are now all in the same blog.

For anyone who hasn't been talking to me much since I stopped blogging abruptly, the place I was living, [My trailer] turned out to be extrremely moldy, causing us to be unable to stay there. My mom and I moved Downtown Grand Bend into a rooming house, where we stayed for the rest of the summer. I worked in Bum Bum Bikini store, which is owned by the same people as the building.

After having to p[ay double rent [because of the trailer] and a very stressful summer [because of the roommates] My mom and I had a large dispute with bruce and sonia over some things, and we moved out of the house, which was extremly fithy btw.

So, we ended up sleeping in our van for two nights, and then coming to montreal to stay with my grandmother for a while, which is where I am now.

Auri

this isn't fair. this circular motion of thought. it's never satiated, never contented. And i still end up alone at the end. why's that? i try so hard, give so much, invest my being in life itself, and i end up here. at the end of roads, where everyone moves on without me, and I get torn out of my life and plopped down in a new one.

People keep saying i'm strong. but I'm falling, and there's no one to catch me.

That's the problem. there's never been.



That's what I've been searching for. someone to fall on when i can't stand on my tired feet anymore. They say that's codependance.

So I'm just crashing on the floor.

[june 9 2008]

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, 'We're all okay,'
Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
I wont be made useless.
Wont be idle with despair."
--Jewel, Hands

What am I really supposed to do?
Go on following, falling in holes...
What am I really meant to do ?
Go on watching the heat as I freeze in the cold.

Is it cold? Am I groggy,
from all this lost sleep..
Am I wasteful?
Am I sloppy?
All the things that I hate...

Hate, what a word, what a bitter taste on my tongue,
It's not something i need,
Nor something I want.

But want. Does it matter what I want?

[may 26 2008]

 I never thought you saw me like that.
In some ways it's devastating, in others its somewhat entertaining...
Mostly, it's shocking.
I never did anything but tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
All you did was lie.
Yet I'm the one at fault?
I guess it comes down to the pure insanity of people.
And I'm left with a simple, 'Whatever'.

[may 23 2008]

Sometimes we find ourselves in painful solitude, forced to toy with our heart's memories. The mundane fades away, leaving us in a silent, blissful song to contemplate. To remember lost dreams, and mourn for summer days passed.

It seems that little time has passed, since you and I were together, and yet in other ways it seems like an eternity. It's cliche, but you feel so distant now. And yet you invade my dreams. Is that fair? For you to leave me, throw me far away from your voice... And yet linger with me, the bittersweet memory of the smile in your eyes. Is it wrong for me to miss you? Miss the tenderness on your lips, the mischief you always seemed to bring about. I'm sitting in silent song, wondering why fate made it this way. I never asked for forever, that was you. Then you broke it, and tore me apart. And the loss is yours, I know. But once, what was yours was mine, and mine yours. Have I lost, too, then? You're so stubborn. You wont let yourself know all the things you know, or be all the things you are. For what? There's no purpose to your shell. Maybe it's all in my mind, and you never felt it, but somehow, by that lamplight, I knew you did. Some days I wonder if there's another way, besides forgetting you and the love we had. I've tried so long and so hard... Yet there's still nothing I can do for you unless you let me. I'm not alone, now... I have dreams that are blossoming in the sunlight, but it seems, nearby, there are ashes. Ashes of you, and all that I wanted with you. We were always uncertain. We are still, aren't we? We're not meant for eachother. Not for forever, or for making love. But still, there's a bond I can't forget. You're a brother somehow, a best, best friend. I ache for you.

In a daze, I wander away.

Knowing blue eyes
of a soldier
with a twinkle
of a victim alone
knowing blue eyes
of a soldier
see a world of seeds
must be sown.

Her knowing blue eyes
that see me,
her smile so sharp,
and her name.
How playful
Is it I who is playing God's game?
An arcade, do we fade,
do we melt away?
or do we vanish, abrupt,
On some fateful day?

Her knowing blue eyes
They were older,
Than me, Than time itself.

Her knowing blue eyes, they were colder,
Than the wrath of satan, in hell.
They were full of pain, and I cannot explain,
Their state of such utter peace,
They were fll of joy,
Yet not completely devoid,
of the turmoil they threatened to release.
Her knowing blue eyes, they told me,
Of something called a hardened heart.
She told of a twinge of guilt,
that god gives us when sin starts,
She spoke of a heart like stone,
That was lost, That was helpless, alone.
She told me of a heart that was numb,
That had learned to ignore and succumb,
to lifeless and loveless sin.
Well, I could not help but begin,
thinking and pondering...
and I wonder.. Is it I
who houses such an awful thing?

We lie to ourselves
We hide from ourselves
from the truth that we fear,
can't understand.
We hear ourselves
Through sound proof ears,
we see ourselves
the way we see our peers,
through rose tinted glasses
and thick, black eyelashes
Those burning red lips
speak the name.
We look at ourselves in dirty mirrors
Not wanting to see the blemishes
any clearer.
We dodge around corners,
following orders,
we rebel in our own little ways.
We avoid what calls us,
what naturally befalls us,
we run from that one word,
a name.
we hold it inside,
yet we cannot confide
even in the twist of concious mind,
we supress and repress,
we hurry to burry
we shove, we tug,
just get it away!

And how can I?
I thought, staring inwards at my mind,
it's synaptic tangles buzzing.
as they twirl, grow and wind.
Could I ever?
I wondered, examining each,
As memories flooded back like warmth.
Every frozen winter night, every day on the beach.
The chapters of my life
May take one eternity to write,
all this love, anger, pain all this passion and strife
The chapters of my life
May take forever to compile,
And I still be living one more chapter,
all the while,
all the while.

I stop and wait
These strings of fate
God help us if they tangle
A breath of air,
A vacant stare
Feeling hot and mangled
Im hiding here,
From the deathly cold,
Holding strong,
Doing as I'm told,
Im wondering here,
Holding, Hoping,
That dreams don't get too old.

Theres a feeling that courses through me,
Something I just cant explain,
Something I know I'll hold onto,
Despite tears and pain,
Your words are like sunshine,
they clear away the rain,
and your lips, they visit me,
In every waking dream.
You build up my confidence,
You give me self-esteem,
You make every miss,
Feel not as bad as it seems.
Youre like the light at the end of the tunnel,
your soul so pure and true
And I know my heart would leap,
with just one glance at you.
I try to ponder your voice,
Time and time again,
But I know, no matter what,
It will be sweeter than I can imagine.
I wonder what you'll think of me
If we're pulled together by the strings of fate,
I wonder how you picture me,
when we sit up talking late.
You are my soul,
You are my kiss,
You are my love,
Just answer me this...
Baby, Are you an angel?