this isn't fair. this circular motion of thought. it's never satiated, never contented. And i still end up alone at the end. why's that? i try so hard, give so much, invest my being in life itself, and i end up here. at the end of roads, where everyone moves on without me, and I get torn out of my life and plopped down in a new one.

People keep saying i'm strong. but I'm falling, and there's no one to catch me.

That's the problem. there's never been.



That's what I've been searching for. someone to fall on when i can't stand on my tired feet anymore. They say that's codependance.

So I'm just crashing on the floor.

[june 9 2008]

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, 'We're all okay,'
Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
I wont be made useless.
Wont be idle with despair."
--Jewel, Hands

What am I really supposed to do?
Go on following, falling in holes...
What am I really meant to do ?
Go on watching the heat as I freeze in the cold.

Is it cold? Am I groggy,
from all this lost sleep..
Am I wasteful?
Am I sloppy?
All the things that I hate...

Hate, what a word, what a bitter taste on my tongue,
It's not something i need,
Nor something I want.

But want. Does it matter what I want?

[may 26 2008]

 I never thought you saw me like that.
In some ways it's devastating, in others its somewhat entertaining...
Mostly, it's shocking.
I never did anything but tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
All you did was lie.
Yet I'm the one at fault?
I guess it comes down to the pure insanity of people.
And I'm left with a simple, 'Whatever'.

[may 23 2008]

Sometimes we find ourselves in painful solitude, forced to toy with our heart's memories. The mundane fades away, leaving us in a silent, blissful song to contemplate. To remember lost dreams, and mourn for summer days passed.

It seems that little time has passed, since you and I were together, and yet in other ways it seems like an eternity. It's cliche, but you feel so distant now. And yet you invade my dreams. Is that fair? For you to leave me, throw me far away from your voice... And yet linger with me, the bittersweet memory of the smile in your eyes. Is it wrong for me to miss you? Miss the tenderness on your lips, the mischief you always seemed to bring about. I'm sitting in silent song, wondering why fate made it this way. I never asked for forever, that was you. Then you broke it, and tore me apart. And the loss is yours, I know. But once, what was yours was mine, and mine yours. Have I lost, too, then? You're so stubborn. You wont let yourself know all the things you know, or be all the things you are. For what? There's no purpose to your shell. Maybe it's all in my mind, and you never felt it, but somehow, by that lamplight, I knew you did. Some days I wonder if there's another way, besides forgetting you and the love we had. I've tried so long and so hard... Yet there's still nothing I can do for you unless you let me. I'm not alone, now... I have dreams that are blossoming in the sunlight, but it seems, nearby, there are ashes. Ashes of you, and all that I wanted with you. We were always uncertain. We are still, aren't we? We're not meant for eachother. Not for forever, or for making love. But still, there's a bond I can't forget. You're a brother somehow, a best, best friend. I ache for you.

In a daze, I wander away.