[june 9 2008]

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, 'We're all okay,'
Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
I wont be made useless.
Wont be idle with despair."
--Jewel, Hands

What am I really supposed to do?
Go on following, falling in holes...
What am I really meant to do ?
Go on watching the heat as I freeze in the cold.

Is it cold? Am I groggy,
from all this lost sleep..
Am I wasteful?
Am I sloppy?
All the things that I hate...

Hate, what a word, what a bitter taste on my tongue,
It's not something i need,
Nor something I want.

But want. Does it matter what I want?

Knowing blue eyes
of a soldier
with a twinkle
of a victim alone
knowing blue eyes
of a soldier
see a world of seeds
must be sown.

Her knowing blue eyes
that see me,
her smile so sharp,
and her name.
How playful
Is it I who is playing God's game?
An arcade, do we fade,
do we melt away?
or do we vanish, abrupt,
On some fateful day?

Her knowing blue eyes
They were older,
Than me, Than time itself.

Her knowing blue eyes, they were colder,
Than the wrath of satan, in hell.
They were full of pain, and I cannot explain,
Their state of such utter peace,
They were fll of joy,
Yet not completely devoid,
of the turmoil they threatened to release.
Her knowing blue eyes, they told me,
Of something called a hardened heart.
She told of a twinge of guilt,
that god gives us when sin starts,
She spoke of a heart like stone,
That was lost, That was helpless, alone.
She told me of a heart that was numb,
That had learned to ignore and succumb,
to lifeless and loveless sin.
Well, I could not help but begin,
thinking and pondering...
and I wonder.. Is it I
who houses such an awful thing?

We lie to ourselves
We hide from ourselves
from the truth that we fear,
can't understand.
We hear ourselves
Through sound proof ears,
we see ourselves
the way we see our peers,
through rose tinted glasses
and thick, black eyelashes
Those burning red lips
speak the name.
We look at ourselves in dirty mirrors
Not wanting to see the blemishes
any clearer.
We dodge around corners,
following orders,
we rebel in our own little ways.
We avoid what calls us,
what naturally befalls us,
we run from that one word,
a name.
we hold it inside,
yet we cannot confide
even in the twist of concious mind,
we supress and repress,
we hurry to burry
we shove, we tug,
just get it away!

And how can I?
I thought, staring inwards at my mind,
it's synaptic tangles buzzing.
as they twirl, grow and wind.
Could I ever?
I wondered, examining each,
As memories flooded back like warmth.
Every frozen winter night, every day on the beach.
The chapters of my life
May take one eternity to write,
all this love, anger, pain all this passion and strife
The chapters of my life
May take forever to compile,
And I still be living one more chapter,
all the while,
all the while.

I stop and wait
These strings of fate
God help us if they tangle
A breath of air,
A vacant stare
Feeling hot and mangled
Im hiding here,
From the deathly cold,
Holding strong,
Doing as I'm told,
Im wondering here,
Holding, Hoping,
That dreams don't get too old.

Theres a feeling that courses through me,
Something I just cant explain,
Something I know I'll hold onto,
Despite tears and pain,
Your words are like sunshine,
they clear away the rain,
and your lips, they visit me,
In every waking dream.
You build up my confidence,
You give me self-esteem,
You make every miss,
Feel not as bad as it seems.
Youre like the light at the end of the tunnel,
your soul so pure and true
And I know my heart would leap,
with just one glance at you.
I try to ponder your voice,
Time and time again,
But I know, no matter what,
It will be sweeter than I can imagine.
I wonder what you'll think of me
If we're pulled together by the strings of fate,
I wonder how you picture me,
when we sit up talking late.
You are my soul,
You are my kiss,
You are my love,
Just answer me this...
Baby, Are you an angel?

So hide; hide from the reality
we lie; decieving ourselves
we smile; smile so heartily
we cry; inside us is hell.
A lie kills, the truth heals,
You tell me jesus is here.
Your eye fills, your heart feels,
the emptiness he left; your fear.
So where is he now, this hero of yours?
Who died on the cross for salvation?
So where is he now, this figment of yours...
In this depth of hell, of starvation?
Well the answer is there,
but inside yourself..
No cross, no church,
It's nowhere else.

Cold shadows gleam in your eyes
The smirk on your lips is tainted with lies
but still i am swimming
in the doors to your soul
in them, I am weightless,
With no need to be whole,
I cant let you go,
Im forever too scared
I must let you go,
Ive been ruthlessly dared.

Will it ever be the same
as it was that day
when the sprinkled path of sunlight
fought to pave the way
reality is scattered
i cannot find the line
dividing what is shattered
from solid, ticking time.
The peices of my sanity,
and eternity to find
and as fate unfolds its mystery
crazy, I cant mind.
A certain spot to pinpoint
so elusive through the hues
Im lost in all this pigment
Orange, Fushia, purples, blues.

Im waiting
with bated breath I'm waiting
To find it there.
Its fading
Slow heartbeat fading
Behind my vacant stare
There's time, my voice, a whisper,
To grow, too slow, I learn...
There's rhyme, no choice to listen,
The beat, I feel it tear.
Its switching
Around, around its switching
In this freezing cold night air.
Im hissing
Hissing at the monsters that shouldnt be there...
Closing in alone
Behind my vacant stare