And how can I?
I thought, staring inwards at my mind,
it's synaptic tangles buzzing.
as they twirl, grow and wind.
Could I ever?
I wondered, examining each,
As memories flooded back like warmth.
Every frozen winter night, every day on the beach.
The chapters of my life
May take one eternity to write,
all this love, anger, pain all this passion and strife
The chapters of my life
May take forever to compile,
And I still be living one more chapter,
all the while,
all the while.

I stop and wait
These strings of fate
God help us if they tangle
A breath of air,
A vacant stare
Feeling hot and mangled
Im hiding here,
From the deathly cold,
Holding strong,
Doing as I'm told,
Im wondering here,
Holding, Hoping,
That dreams don't get too old.

Theres a feeling that courses through me,
Something I just cant explain,
Something I know I'll hold onto,
Despite tears and pain,
Your words are like sunshine,
they clear away the rain,
and your lips, they visit me,
In every waking dream.
You build up my confidence,
You give me self-esteem,
You make every miss,
Feel not as bad as it seems.
Youre like the light at the end of the tunnel,
your soul so pure and true
And I know my heart would leap,
with just one glance at you.
I try to ponder your voice,
Time and time again,
But I know, no matter what,
It will be sweeter than I can imagine.
I wonder what you'll think of me
If we're pulled together by the strings of fate,
I wonder how you picture me,
when we sit up talking late.
You are my soul,
You are my kiss,
You are my love,
Just answer me this...
Baby, Are you an angel?

So hide; hide from the reality
we lie; decieving ourselves
we smile; smile so heartily
we cry; inside us is hell.
A lie kills, the truth heals,
You tell me jesus is here.
Your eye fills, your heart feels,
the emptiness he left; your fear.
So where is he now, this hero of yours?
Who died on the cross for salvation?
So where is he now, this figment of yours...
In this depth of hell, of starvation?
Well the answer is there,
but inside yourself..
No cross, no church,
It's nowhere else.

Cold shadows gleam in your eyes
The smirk on your lips is tainted with lies
but still i am swimming
in the doors to your soul
in them, I am weightless,
With no need to be whole,
I cant let you go,
Im forever too scared
I must let you go,
Ive been ruthlessly dared.

Will it ever be the same
as it was that day
when the sprinkled path of sunlight
fought to pave the way
reality is scattered
i cannot find the line
dividing what is shattered
from solid, ticking time.
The peices of my sanity,
and eternity to find
and as fate unfolds its mystery
crazy, I cant mind.
A certain spot to pinpoint
so elusive through the hues
Im lost in all this pigment
Orange, Fushia, purples, blues.

Im waiting
with bated breath I'm waiting
To find it there.
Its fading
Slow heartbeat fading
Behind my vacant stare
There's time, my voice, a whisper,
To grow, too slow, I learn...
There's rhyme, no choice to listen,
The beat, I feel it tear.
Its switching
Around, around its switching
In this freezing cold night air.
Im hissing
Hissing at the monsters that shouldnt be there...
Closing in alone
Behind my vacant stare

Why is it that I feel so hopeless?
So worthless?
So unwanted?
Why is it that after all this gasping,
I still cannot breathe?
Why is it that these tears, like pain,
shoot through my veins?
Why is it that you dont want me,
dont love me like I do you?
Why is that you hurt me,
and make me want to hurt you?

I refuse to be someone I'm not.
I refuse to live in a box.
I refuse to keep my mouth shut,
This prewritten life, I rebut.
I wont be your puppet,
I wont read from your script,
I dont care if you dont like me,
Im sick of this shit,
I wont play pretend,
I'd rather die than be fake,
I wont make amends,
I dont care, it's too late.
It sickens me, how you just sit there...
How you act, and you act, and you act.
It sickens me, how you sit there,
how you laugh, and you laugh, and you laugh,
You claim you're unique and you claim that you care,
Then you announce that
"he's emo,""Because of his hair."
You label, You judge,
You adorn your disguise,
'n then you pass on a chain letter That promotes your demise.
Well Im sick of your lies, and I purely despise,
Your two-faced, makeup covered,"Im-cool" disguise.
I wont play your game,
and I wont be your illusion,
Where you preach acceptance, and you whisper exclusion.
I dont care if my shirt, screams nerd, goth or prep,
So what? I'm a flirt,
and I'm socially inpet.
I care for my friends, and I love them no less,
No matter how their hair looks, No matter how they dress..
So after a great deal of thinking,
about shutting my mouth,
about up-and-leaving, and flying away south,
In hopes that you'll like me,
If Im quiet and fake, Ive decided to speak,
For all of our sakes.
I wont shut my mouth,
and I wont run away,
I'm going to face this,
Each and every day,
Resisting your urging,
For me to conform,
I'll wait for your theories to Be ripped up and torn
By their utter hypocracy,
It seems only I can see,
And I'll show you how great,
being the authentic you can be.

Smile curves his soft lips
How Mysteriously Dark
Hard-Pounding heart--Hark.